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my life all over again

November 1, 2007


i’m asking you please pray for a friend…just call her O. she had a baby on sunday morning and the baby is in the NICU. Baby A was born @ 26 gestational weeks…out of 40. not as premature as Lane, but still really early. she’s a whopping 2 pounds, but has some serious issues with her lungs and has some serious lung disease. i look at the pictures of her baby (this is a picture of Lane, not Baby A. i don’t have permission to put her baby up here so i won’t, but this picture gives you an idea how small that is…that is my wedding ring on Lane’s left arm) and have to realize that i know her emotions. i know her thoughts. i know the aches and the pains of not knowing what to ask. i know the misery of thinking that it will all be over soon, one way or another. i know that sometimes it feels like it is too much to carry. i know that sometimes if feels like you are covered in ugliness and people are petrified of you and how they avoid you. i know the guilt that comes with trying to feel ok on a day when things aren’t that way. i know the joy in taking off the mask and telling people that my life hurts. i have pains. i am miserable! i also know the forgiveness first hand that comes after horrible thoughts like, would it be better if this child wasn’t here? what would the world think if they knew that i thought that? would i still be accepted in my circles? would i still have a job if i wasn’t all “put together?” i know that it really DOES all work out for God’s Glory, but only because i’m done stealing the glory from Him. i only desire to be covered in His Glory now!

enough soap-box preaching…but this is really living in my world…

“O” is having problems also though. she is continuing to hemorrhage and they are having a difficult time getting the bleeding stopped. a hysterectomy seems like the only viable option at this point but there are some issues. she has some health issues, she has a seriously sick child–that might die–issues, and she is going through a horribly messy divorce issues. she has no other children, and the child she has been blessed with is critically ill.

what if she can’t have more children and her only child never comes home from the hospital? what kind of sense does this make? this is NOT the time to remind someone that God loves them and has a plan. HE DOES, but how does that help? how do you see the plan when the pain and suffering is splattered all across the windshield? sometimes the best things to say aren’t even words. sometimes you HAVE to let your LIFE speak about something bigger than you are.

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